I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
