Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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