I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
is it fun? or sober?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize