i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
