There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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