The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i dont even know how to be here
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
