ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
And then my night got REAL pukey
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
