my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
