We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
