I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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