I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
