Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize