I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
