It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
