the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
