Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
