A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
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