last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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