I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
