Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
