I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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