apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
