Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
