you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Randomize
