he shaved USA in his pubs
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
