cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
