party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
