Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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