Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
