I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
