They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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