Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
