yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
