I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
