i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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