Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
