my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
