so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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