I could have mohawked her pubes.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
