On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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