My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
