we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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