the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize