I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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