guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
