All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
