I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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