The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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