I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
