We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
