Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
