"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
