the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
