My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
