I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
