1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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